GOON SHOW: TLO 46344
8TH SERIES: No 16
RECORDED: 13 Jan 1958
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC Light Programme. By the power of electricity and microphone placed in the
proximity of the protagonists, we present an all-wireless show with a brandy
base.
FX:
Old fashioned gramophone music
SECOMBE: That music
should give you a clue to the financial position of the BBC's music department.
SELLERS: (Australian) One moment,
Mr. Secombe, you can't attack the Corporation from the back!
SECOMBE: Can't I? Bend
down!
FX:
Slap
SELLERS: [screams]
SECOMBE: Now, read the
name of the play.
GREENSLADE: We present...
The Great String Robbery.
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic music link
SELLERS: The String Robbery
started very simply with a man saying...
MORIARTY: My socks keep
coming down.
GRYTPYPE: We must try
and obtain a certain amount of cheap string.
MORIARTY: What, what'll
I do till then?
GRYTPYPE: For the time
being, keep your socks up with the famous Eccles method.
MORIARTY: Ah, what's
that?
GRYTPYPE: Stand on your
head.
MORIARTY: Hup!
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link
SEAGOON: Hello, folks!
Hallo, folks! Through the power of megaphone, folks, three days later, I was
called from Scotland Yard to
FX:
train arriving
Flowerdew: [screams] There should be a law
against trains letting off steam when people are wearing kilts...!
SEAGOON: Excuse me,
porter, I'm a stranger here, could you tell me the way to walk?
Scots Porter: Aye, d’ya see yon ticket
barrier? Well, head over there for that.
SEAGOON: Thank you.
CHISHOLM: Hey,
Inspector Seagoon?
SEAGOON: The voice
came from underneath the Chisholm.
CHISHOLM: Aye, you see,
I m a ventriloquist! I threw my voice. Sometimes from my knee, sometimes from
my shin and sometimes from my nose, bing!
SEAGOON: Oh, jolly
good, jolly good, ha-ha! [nose throw sound] Now, where's the scene of the
crime?
CHISHOLM: This is the
hoose.
SCOT No.1: Aye, welcome
to the scene of the crime.
SEAGOON: Ah, where’s
the front door?
SCOT No.1: It's in this
brown paper parcel. [opens it] We only use it for going in and out. Agh, there.
FX:
door opens
SCOT No.1: The
black-bearded criminal must have got in through the door or the windows.
Everything else was locked.
SEAGOON: I see. Right.
Now, who was killed?
SCOT No.1: No one's been
killed.
SEAGOON: Then this is
a job for the police.
SCOT No.1: You are a
policeman.
SEAGOON: Oh, yes, yes,
I wasted no time getting here, did I, eh? - Hands up! You're all under arrest!
FX:
Door through which they enter
GREENSLADE: The String
Robberies, Part Two.
SEAGOON: Part Two?
That's us!
SCOT No.1: You see that
piece of string on the table?
SEAGOON: Yes. What's
that space in the middle?
SCOT No.1: That's the
piece that's missing.
SEAGOON: So! So that's
what a piece of missing string looks like, eh? Where's it gone? Ah! But wait...
can't you see, you, you poor Scottish fool!
SCOT No.1: What is it,
sir?
SEAGOON: It's all,
it's all a practical joke!
SCOT No.1: [gnashing
teeth sounds]
SEAGOON: Someone's cut
that string in the center, pulled the two pieces in opposite directions, giving
the impression that a piece had been removed from the middle.
SCOT No.1: Harry gringlers,
he's right! Och, it's true! If you put these two pieces together, the gap
disappears!
SCOT No.2: Aye, but did
you notice when you did that, the two outside ends got shorter?
SEAGOON: Gad, gad,
Chisolm's right! Now I see what happened. What cunning! [laughs] The criminal's cut a piece off each end, then cut across
the middle pulled them apart, making the string look the original length.
SCOT No.1: Oh dear, this
makes it a baffling case.
SCOT No.2: Aye.
SEAGOON: Ah yes.
Instead of one piece we're looking for two separate ends... It's a good job I
can count! [laughs] We must start
investigations at once!
ORCHESTRA:
Link music.
GREENSLADE: [as radio
announcer] ...Finally, here is a police message: Will all people in possession
of two pieces of string please report to their local police station. Now,
sport: The boxing match between the Irish and Italian football teams has been
cancelled...
CRUN: Oh, dear,
dear. Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, oh, dear. Min, Min! Oh-ow-ee. Miiiin! Min!
Min!
BANNISTER: Are you calling
me, Henry?
CRUN: Yes! Hurry
up, I'm next! Oh, you sinful woman, you... Always at the cigarette rolling
machine you.
BANNISTER: Oh, you
gotta, gotta match, Henry?
CRUN: Oh, hey, you
vixen, not satisfied with making your own fags, now you want to smoke 'em!
BANNISTER: There's
nothing to worry about, Henry, this is herbal tobacco.
CRUN: Herbal?
BANNISTER: Yes. Crazy
herbal tobacco, made from dandelions.
CRUN: Well, don't
leave any in my bedroom, our water rates are high enough as it is.
BANNISTER: [inhales,
exhales] Ah! [inhales, exhales] Oh! These cigarettes are strong, Henry.
CRUN: Oh...
BANNISTER: Better not
light them.
CRUN: No.
BANNISTER: Henry?
CRUN: What?
BANNISTER: You naughty,
naughty man.
CRUN: What, what?
BANNISTER: How do you
like my new frock?
CRUN: Min!
BANNISTER: Oh!
CRUN: Where did you
get that modern sack dress!
BANNISTER: I got it off
the coalman.
CRUN: I'll talk to
you later about this, Min Bannister.
BANNISTER: [inaudible]
CRUN: Oh I will.
BANNISTER: you, you
devil, you! [inaudible]
CRUN: You...
CRUN:BANNISTER: Your conk,
Henry!
CRUN: You cow[?],
you, all of you! Let's get down to the fire station - To the police station.
BANNISTER: It's, it's
the same, Henry, because the police station's on fire....
CRUN: Oh, good,
good, good...
BANNISTER: Now, Henry,
now, you're not allowed out, Henry, so you sit by the fire, and I'll drive the
house round to the...
CRUN: All right,
all right...
FX:
driving sounds. Minnie saying "Oh!"
GREENSLADE: As the house
drives away, we arrive at the String Robberies, Part Three.
SEAGOON: Hello, folks!
Calling all folks! Three weeks, folks, and still no fear of solving the crime.
I think I'll have a bath.
FX:
bathing sounds
SEAGOON: Ah! There's
nothing like a bit of sand paper for bringing up the old knees' white! [laughs]
WILLIUM: Eh, pardon
me, Inspector?
SEAGOON: Constable
Vritt! How dare you creep in here when my shins are exposed?
WILLIUM: Oh, sorry, I,
I won't, I won't look, Inspector. In any case, I'm a married man with shins of
me own, you know.
SEAGOON: Constable,
state your business!
WILLIUM: I'm a
policeman.
SEAGOON: I know you're
a policeman, but what do you want?
WILLIUM: Well, there's
an 'ouse outside waiting to see you.
SEAGOON: House? I must
go and inspect it. <-- remaster-->Meanwhile Max Geldray will show what
fun can be had <-- remaster--> Brandy!?
FX:
Runs out
MAX GELDRAY
FX:
Music. Knock on door.
CRUN:BANNISTER: Coming,
coming, oh...
SEAGOON: Good morning.
CRUN:BANNISTER: Good morning,
good morning [etc.]
SEAGOON: It's late
afternoon already. Good morning. I was told that this house wanted to see me.
CRUN: Ah, sir, we
have come to hand in our three pieces of string.
BANNISTER: String,
string!
SEAGOON: Well, there's
some mistake. We only wanted people with two pieces.
BANNISTER: Oh.
CRUN: Oh, well,
then we'll throw one piece away.
SEAGOON: Good. Now
you're a suspect.
CRUN:BANNISTER: Oh!
BANNISTER: I'm innocent.
SEAGOON: Hello, folks!
I wonder could this aged man be the string thief?
CRUN: No, sir, no!
BANNISTER: No.
SEAGOON: Not so loud,
he might hear.
BANNISTER: Henry?
CRUN: What?
BANNISTER: Put your
fingers in your ears, Henry.
CRUN: Oh, all
right, all right... All right, sir.
SEAGOON: ...robbery's
been done...ever will be so...
BANNISTER: ba... mucka
ba... a comes... come rory aba...
SEAGOON: ...what do
I... [etc.]
GREENSLADE: Dear
listeners: This disjointed conversation is being caused by Mr. Crun moving his
fingers in out of his ears, thereby causing an intermittent break-in sound.
CRUN:BANNISTER: [sing]
[inaudible]
SEAGOON: Constable!
Follow that house!
FX:
Running
WILLIUM: Come back!
Naughty house. come back! I arrest you in the name of the law...
SEAGOON: Throw a
cordon around
Throat: Right.
FX:
music
GREENSLADE: The String
Robberies, Part Thrun. The scene: the Cliffs of Dover.
FX:
Sea-side sounds
MORIARTY: It says in
the paper on page ten here... there is a nationwide search or people with two
pieces of string!
GRYTPYPE: What? We must
leave
FX:
Moriarty lifts; splashes of water
MORIARTY: Ohhhh!
GREENSLADE: Meantime, a
hundred miles away, Seagoon springs from a foreign bed.
SEAGOON: Hup!
FX:
[spring] Ahh!
SEAGOON: As I jumped
out of bed I, I thought I heard two splashes.
Jim Spriggs: Two splashes, Jee-em! Oh, Jeem,
are your feet wet, Jeem? Are your feet wet, Jeee-m?
SEAGOON: Yes, I've
been sitting with damp socks on.
Jim Spriggs: Oh, Jeem, can't you afford a
clothesline, Jeem?
SEAGOON: Yes, but I
found a bed more comfortable.
Jim Spriggs: Oh, oh, Jeem, oh, Jeem, oh,
Jeem! We must take action, Jeem - we must take action, Jee-em!
SEAGOON: Right,
Jee-em!
Jim Spriggs: You taking the...
SEAGOON: Send a
signal...
FX:
code
SEAGOON: send a signal
to all coast guards!
Jim Spriggs: All right!
SEAGOON: Especially
those on the coast. Arrest the owners of those splashes!
FX:
Major Bloodnok thene. Rain, gales, splashing music.
BLOODNOK: Oh, oh, oh
I've never had it as bad as this before! Oh, dear, oh, oh, the wind must be 40
knots at least! Well, I hope we don't have to launch the lifeboat tonight. Just
in case they ask me, I'll put one arm in a sling and lie down in a mock faint.
FX:
knock on door
BLOODNOK: Who is that
there, who is it? Who is, who is out of there? Only a lunatic would be out on
such a storm!
FX:
opens door.
BLOODNOK: Yes?
Eccles Choir: [multiple overdubs] "Good
King Wenceslas"
BLOODNOK: Thank you.
FX:
Slams door. Knock. Opens.
BLOODNOK: Yes?
ECCLES: Merry
Christmas?
BLOODNOK: You crazy,
mixed-up Eccleses, you. Christmas is gone!
ECCLES: Oh, which
way'd it go?
BLOODNOK: It's
finished!
ECCLES: Finished? Oh,
I better talk with my friends here. [mumbles] Penny for the guy?
BLOODNOK: That's not
til next November!
ECCLES: Can we come
in and wait then?
FX:
Major beats them off
BLOODNOK: Well, that's
got rid of those idiots.
FX:
Knock on door
BLOODNOK: Where's me
club? Take that, you...
FX:
Beating sounds
Jim Spriggs: I don't like clubbing, Jeem, I
never liked clubbing. I have a message for You, Jeem.
BLOODNOK: Well, play it
on the gramaphone.
Jim Spriggs: All right, Jeem.
FX:
Typewriter sounds
BLOODNOK: Curse, it's
written in typewriter, and I can't speak a word of it.
WILLIUM: Turn it over.
Eccles Choir: [singing/multiple overdubs] Good
King Wenceslas
BLOODNOK: Oh, this is
too much! Ellington, attack the hit parade with a melody, poo-wee-hoy! A
brandy, oh, oh, a brandy
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET -
"Living Doll"
GREENSLADE: Ah, that was
Ray Ellington. We all wish him a speedy recovery. Now, by, ah, clenching my
fists, gritting my teeth, and contracting my abdomen, I find myself in an ideal
position to hear Part Three of The String Robberies.
FX:
Music; sea storm sounds
MILLIGAN: [distant,
unintelligble sailor-type souting of commands]
SEAGOON: It was very
brave of you to put the lifeboat out in the storm.
BLOODNOK: Yes. It's
amazing what a man'll do at pistol point, isn't it?
SEAGOON: What's our
position?
BLOODNOK: I don't know,
I'm a stranger around here.
SEAGOON: What does the
label on this wave say? "Made in
MORIARTY:
HEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!
SEAGOON: Look! I can
see the word "Help" coming out of that big striped bubble.
BLOODNOK: It must be a
drowning cartoonist. Here! Catch this pencil paper!
MORIARTY: Thank you!
I'll draw the life boat! There! Saved! Now I'll draw myself on board! Touché!
On board.
SEAGOON: First, I must
ask you to empty your pockets.
MORIARTY: Alright.
FX:
Many items land on floor
SEAGOON: Quit
stalling. Empty your pockets!
GRYTPYPE: Sir, that is
our entire worldly wealth.
SEAGOON: What's the
ominous bulge in the seat of your trowsers?
MORIARTY:: Ah! Nothing,
I tell! Just some old clothes!
SEAGOON: This we'll
see, Blocknok, hand me that stick there.
FX:
slap
BLUEBOTTLE: Oh! My lug
hole! Thank you, friends of mine.
SEAGOON: Gad, a
stowaway! Come on out!
BLUEBOTTLE: All right,
I'll come out. Lowers flap of Moriarity's trousers. Steps out, waits for
audience applause.... Not enough, I say! Puts on record of own clapping.
FX:
Wild applause
SEAGOON: Stop! Who are
you?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm young
Timmy Bluebottle, Ace Private Detective! Own catapult, own scooter, own legs.
Will go anywhere... in Finchley.
SEAGOON: Lad, lad,
little looney lad, who are you trailing?
BLUEBOTTLE: I'm after the
string criminals. I suspect the Moranrty man.
MORIARTY: Arrgghhh
BLUEBOTTLE: Points finger
at him, point, point, pointy, pointy point.
MORIARTY: That's
[grumbles] quiet! The child is lying!
BLUEBOTTLE: Keep him away
from me!
MORIARTY: The child is
lying!
BLUEBOTTLE: Lets fly with
catapult: Bing!
FX:
Breaking glass
MORIARTY: Ah! My
spectacles!
SEAGOON: All right,
gentlemen, a final question: are you the owner of these splashes?
FX:
Two splashes
GRYTPYPE: No, I've
never seen those splashes in my life before.
SEAGOON: Would you
care to try them on?
MORIARTY: If you wish.
FX:
Two splashes being tried on
BLUEBOTTLE: There! They
fit them perfectly! Arrest them in the name of the lee!
MORIARTY: Run for it,
Gryptype! Run for it!
FX:
Running, two splashes
SEAGOON: After them!
FX:
Two splashes
Little Jim: They've fallen in the water
FX:
Music
SEAGOON: Hello, folks!
I've lost my megaphone - Hello, folks! It's coming to you via cupped hand.
Folks! This is the position of it. Moriarity and Grytpype have landed at
FX:
Broken car/house sounds, Minnie and Henry "Oh!"ing. Crowd sounds.
SEAGOON: Ah!
Breathless, breathless, breathless. Curse! They drove away in that house!
BLUEBOTTLE: Don't worry,
Captain, I took a photograph of the number.
SEAGOON: Good lad!
SEAGOON: And what
luck. Here comes a Hindu photographers darkroom.
FX:
Loud knocking on door
LALKAKA: Abrada. You
are knocking on the door? Is that correct sir?
SEAGOON: We want this
camera developed.
LALKAKA: ...Ready in a
few moments. If you'll accomodate yourself in the European-type chair over
there
FX:
Door slams
LALKAKA: Mr Bannerjee?
BANERJEE: What are you
calling my name for, Mr Lalkaka
LALKAKA: I thought it
might be attached to you man
BANERJEE: Oh oh butut
LALKAKA: Listen, we
have had sudden employment in the nature of developing a European-typa film
BANERJEE: Oh, this has
come at a most update sense moment. I was in the entrepid process of wrapping
up the curry powder you understand.
LALKAKA: You will have
to postpone the making of the curry for the temporary type moment.
BANERJEE: It will be
difficult, but I, but I am understanding the necessary of gainful employment.
There I am willing to concur you understand.
LALKAKA: Alright,
alright man.
BANERJEE: Digeye digeye
LALKAKA: Oh chabash
BANERJEE: Digeye
LALKAKA: Ahkabastan,
now listen. Will you please...
BANERJEE: I'm waiting,
I'm waiting. What are you, what are going to say to me?
LALKAKA: Letting me
explain then.
BANERJEE: Alright then
LALKAKA: Place the
european-typa film in the Hindu-type developer tray for preparation
BANERJEE: Alright
Digeye digeye, wadda we do now? We are waiting for the
LALKAKA: I tell you
what I got, I got a revolutionary-type darkroom
BANERJEE: What have you
got?
LALKAKA: No light in
it
BANERJEE: Ohhh
LALKAKA: I meant to
say it's got a light in it, but I killed the joke by saying "no light in
it", but we mysterious orientals...
FX:
Knock knock on door
BANERJEE: What is that
what is that
SEAGOON: Hurry up in
there you sabus
BANERJEE: What are you
calling us man?
LALKAKA: What is, what
is... Here is your developed-type film
SEAGOON: Let's see.
LALKAKA: That's 14
rupees
SEAGOON: Look! The
number of the house is
SELLERS: That's been
changed!
SEAGOON: [laughs]
Arrest all houses with that address!
BLOODNOK: Wait!
SEAGOON: Men, this is
the plan: We go to the empty space on the street where Crun's house lives, we go
down in the celler and wait for Crun's house to arrive.
BLOODNOK: We must
hurry, the audience is leaving!
FX:
Running, fades. Phone rings. Running, returns. Picks up.
SEAGOON: [out of
breath] Hello, yes? Major Bloodknock? Hold on, I'll.. get him.
FX:
Running, fades. Pause. Running, returns.
BLOODNOK: Oh, oh. [out
of breath] Yes? Hello? Bloodnok here.
SEAGOON: [on phone]
Hurry up, Major, we're all waiting up the street for you!
BLOODNOK: Cor blimey,
I...
FX:
Rings off, runs away
GREENSLADE: Those running
boots are a repeat of the running boots you heard in "Those Were The
Days" on the night program of March the 2nd and was taken from the BBC
great sound library of 9,000 scatchy records. I should, at this juncture, like
to thank the Wallace Greenslade Fan Club whose, um, 39,000 members clubbed
together and sent me a copy of last year's birthday honors. How nice to have
such nice, sweet friends.
GRYTPYPE: He's a bit of
a crawler, Moriarity.
MORIARTY: Ah,
[inaudible]
CRUN: Well, this is
as far as my house goes, gentlemen.
MORIARTY: Ah, no,
listen, Mr. Crunge. Can we stay here until it gets dark?
CRUN: Well, if you
shut your eyes it'll get dark right away.
MORIARTY: Oh? I'll try
that... He's right, Grytpype!
SEAGOON: Hands up, you
two men in the dark there!
MORIARTY: Oh!
GRYTPYPE: Where are
you?
SEAGOON: Under the
floorboards in the cellar. Don't move or I'll fire!
BLUEBOTTLE: Captain! From
where I'm lying, I can see up Moriarty's trowsers! E-he!
MORIARTY: What do you
want?
SEAGOON: Hand down the
two pieces of string tied around your socks!
GRYTPYPE: Dear
listeners, as there is no audible sound for a piece of string, we substitute
this:
FX:
strange sounds / voices
SEAGOON: Moriarity?
You're under arrest! Mr. Crun, how do we get up out of this cellar?
CRUN: There's no
cellar in this house.
SEAGOON: No cellar?
Then... where are we?
CRUN: You're all in
your mind [laughs]
SEAGOON: Help! Help!
Hold up this script! Get us out! Help!
Orchestra:
End theme
GREENSLADE: That was the
Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and
Spike Milligan, and George Chisholm, with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max
Geldray, and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan.
Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Tom Ronald.
Orchestra:
Playout.